*cough cough* 40

I have been doing a lot of driving lately. 2 things always happen when I drive, especially by myself. The radio is always on and I talk out load to myself, kinda like having conversations with myself as if I were also sitting in the passenger seat. The topic of getting older came up.  My husband had a birthday earlier this month. We are only 6 months apart. Telling people my age is not a big deal. We are both turning 39 this year. My husband loves his birthday, he always says, "another year closer to retirement!" We actually are both looking forward to retirement, we are just praying we both will be healthy enough to enjoy it too.

 To say I have issues with getting older would be accurate. When I turned 30 I didn't really notice because I had a newborn in the house, our first one.Turning 31 was worse because then I was actually "in" my thirties. Now rounding 40 kinda gives me the twitches. I think I might have some issues next year. I don't feel like I am this old, I have been told I don't act my age( I will take that as a compliment). Thanks to hair colour and makeup you can hold off aging looks for a little while longer. Trust me I am not heading into a botox and plastic surgery rant here. It has been said that kids keep you young, that is true to a degree, they also cause you to use that before mentioned hair colouring. But they also cause you to look at yourself and reflect. They ask "why" alot. That question causes me to actually think about why I do some of the things I do. You tell your kids to have confidence in whatever they do, when you yourself are struggling just terribly with it. You tell your kids to be nice to everyone, when you go off on the poor salesperson because you didn't like the way something occurred. You tell your kids to share when I am hiding in the pantry eating something I don't want to share with anyone. I look at at my kids and hope and pray they are enjoying their childhood, and I do not mean all the activities I have them doing, I mean their actual life, are they happy? Are they feeling free to be themselves, to act their age. Do they get excited about learning to do new things? To slowly gain more freedoms?

People often say, oh I wish I could go back and be young again. Well maybe just to play basketball again.  (Side note, I went to play ball the other day and I haven't played since 1998, at that point I did wish I was 19 again.) I thought for a little bit, that yeah,that would be great, to be 21 and be a newlywed, to know back then what you know now. That's when I stopped, "to know back then what you know now". I wouldn't trade the last 17 years of marriage for anything. Have I had hard times in my life? You bet. Do I wish hardships on anyone? Of coarse not. But they have made me who I am today. I have learned  and grown so much. I have become way more sure of myself, I still struggle many times with what others think of me. But for the most part, I am sure of myself and my place in this world. I know my gifts, I know my limits and do not feel I need to explain myself to everyone.

I actually am enjoying this stage of my life. I know I do not know everything, but I know so much more than I did as a young 20-something. The feeling that I need to be everything to everyone has greatly diminished. That list is a lot smaller. I feel very comfortable in my roll as mom and wife. Trevor and I know what works in our relationship. Do I still have struggles? Yup. I have learned that I do not handle stress very well at all. I have learned that I need to protect myself from going under. I have learned that God gave me my gifts and abilities and I work on using them everyday. I have learned that the use of my gifts can come in very different ways that others may not understand and I have learned to not worry about that. I have learned how precious life is, every day is meaningful. Some of the little things just don't matter. I don't care that I have dirty dishes on my counter, that I have boxes of stuff standing every where while we are still organizing our house, that my kids eat mac and cheese at least 2 times a week some times. What does matter is the 2 little people in my house that need me. Knowing that my Husband loves me no matter what size my jeans are.

So next year let's have a big party for all those born in 1973!!!